?

Log in

No account? Create an account

My First Published Book!

For last year's Nanowrimo, I wrote a novel about Hela and her quest to rebuild Niflheim her way. It's part re-telling and part revelation of the events that came after Ragnarok. Well, I enjoyed writing the story so much and felt Hela's Story could not remain in my hands alone. As such, I've self-published to share her story with the world! To purchase a copy or learn more about Hela's Story: Events After Ragnarok According to Loki's Daughter, visit my createspace store. Enter the code PDZZGVAZ before March 1st 2012 to receive 20% off!

I hope that you all enjoy and please do not hesitate to send any and all feedback my way!

Blessings,
Evylyn Rose

Letting Go

I find that it often takes a long time to realize you love someone, but it takes longer to pick up on all the little signs that he never loved you in return. When the relationship falls apart and no efforts can fix it, the fist reaction is to blame our own past mistakes in explaining what went wrong.

He Left Me Long Ago
What do I do when the world stops turning?
Who do I turn to when everyone turns to stone?
Where do I go when my heart stops beating?
I left him, lost, to wander on his own.
I left him, alone, to fight his battles.
I left him, broken, to find himself.
The wounds he suffered
Were deeper than he knew.
I opened my heart to him,
Ready to give all a woman can give.
But his scars have changed him,
And there is no room for me in his shattered dream.
I find myself lost in this word that doesn't move.
I'm scared, all alone, where the people are all of stone.
I stand here broken as my heart refuses to go on.

This feeling of guilt often turns into the false realization that you are intentionally be punished by the person you love. You misinterpret the efforts on his part to make things work out again as some sort of revenge plot. Now there's a weird mixed sense of guilt and oppression. The contradiction, of course, ends in a weird hope for the future.

Fated Love
The pain and wrath I feel
Is somewhere between false and real.
Sometime long ago
Your heart was buried below
Layers of hurt and surrender.
I wish that you could only remember
How great it felt to
Be together and live as two.
But you have chosen to deny me,
Watching calmly as I bleed.
Your revenge has been so swift,
I cannot bear to lift
My body off this cold hard floor.
As love turns to hatred, I can stand no more.
Where did our happy memories go?
When did we sink so low?
You're so uneasy when you look at me.
Is there some secret I can't see?
Apart, I feel I can break through
This barrier that keeps me from you.
Somewhere deep inside,
Our fated love still resides.

Given time, the rational mind decides to kick in and look over facts. Nothing helps better than a dream, such as the one I had just recently. Successfully being just friends, he asks me questions about how he should wrap the gifts he has in front of him so that a girl he is affectionate towards will be pleased. Instantly being stung by the memory of him not being able to remember my own birthday, I become enraged by the perceived insult and tell him to get out. Such dreams and the like are great for getting that rational mind started.

Two Years
Two years of telling me you loved me.
Two years of standing by my side,
And exaggerating my importance in your life.
Never once was I included in your outside life.
Never once did you take the time to learn to spell my name.
You held me close enough
So I could see no one but you.
You held me tight and handed me shackles
That I obliging placed on myself.
At no point did you ever love me.
At no point did you ever need me.
I must have failed your test,
And am suffering now for it.
I must be crazy to still want to believe you.
Did you believe your falsehoods?
Or am I a victim to your game?
So many signs you care so little,
But still I trust your words.
Two years of lies,
Two years of tears.

Of course, the rational mind wants to stress the importance of the facts that reveal that he never loved you to begin with. However, the rational mind cannot deny the possibility that he, at some point, sincerely believed he was in love. Considering these conflicting emotions, truths, and half-truths, what other option is left? Why continue fighting for a cause that was lost before it started? The only path left is one of letting go...

Jen

(All poems dedicated to Francisco Arroyo, aka Serayoth.)

Finding the River Styx

Crawling through the suffocating dark,
Every movement a moment of agony,
My knees are scared from the journey
And my heart so broken
I'm not sure it's even there.
Joys and pleasures are rarely
What they promised to be,
And promises kept are often
More frightening than my worst fears.
By some rare chance
A light shines through,
So small it surely is not real.
As I study the direction
And allow my eyes to focus,
I see I've found the entrance
To this miserable hermit's cave.
The light is far away,
Blocked by stones caved in
From the last time my love
Was shot down -
Worthless.
As I try to reach out to the light
A tremor hides it from my sight.
Each time I try to remember
My foolish beliefs in love
Kindness, and faith in humanity,
They are stripped away from me
Like the worthless dreams they are.
Yet sulking never lasts for long,
And I try again to move the rocks.
So small, so many,
And each filled with a painful memory
To slow me down and keep me from my goals.
I relive my terrors
Time and time again.
And when the hole is large enough,
I stick my hand out
Just for it to be slapped
Before the light is gone again.
What lies beyond these rocks?
Is the light my salvation?
Or will I emerge with new vision,
And see the world for what it is?
Will the happy days outnumber the sad?
Or are my terrors merely fragments of the truth?
The wetness of my stinging tears
Do nothing to aid my journey.
Like all great heroes,
I am lost in the Underworld
Yet I have seen no trace of Hades;
Persephone answers not to my calls.
I did not choose this adventure.
I have no question or plea
For which to beg or bargain
Before Death.
Why, then, have I come here?
What purpose does this journey serve?
If the great heroes had no purpose
In Hel or Heaven,
Then what would have come of them?
Would they be stuck here still,
As I am now:
A prisoner of my own poisoned past?
I see no solution to this trial.
Or is this a punishment
For misinterpreting past trials?
Pain is often too hard to face.
Smiling at memories too agonizing
To be relived
Is a task I must accomplish.
Will I make it through?
Or will Charon come to stop me
And let me pay my toll?

Jen

Horoscope

My horoscope today pointed out:

"You are coolly objective about your friends and loved ones, and their shortcomings as friends or lovers. You are probably being a bit too critical and hard on them right now so try to loosen up and realize we are all in this journey together."

<.< >.> Psh. What do they know anyway?

Jen

Remembering the Fallen & Doing What We Can

In some ways, I suppose this is more like "tracking" than "remembering." Since my old unit deployed last year, I've been keeping up with all news and keeping track of the fallen. Nothing is worse for a soldier than feeling like they weren't there for there for their fellow soldiers. It's even worse when the soldier is a medic and can't shake the thought that had they been there, maybe none of those deaths would occur. For those of us that can't be where our buddies are and share in the experiences, the pain, and even the days of sheer boredom followed by nerve-wrecking events, nothing can be more sobering than to see the list of names and ponder what difference it could have made if only we were there. Some can soothe us with words that remind us that we are doing nothing but beating ourselves up. It may have made no difference at all and in fact could have been us that were lost as well. But no words, no matter how well-intended can ever get that nagging thought to quit.

And so I've kept a list. It serves as my reminder of what I wasn't there for. I wish I could have a list of all the casualties of my old unit, but sadly I've found that impossible to track and it's rare for the soldiers that keep in touch to mention each one and they certainly don't give out any info as far as names, etc. So the list only includes the Fort Wainwright soldiers that are confirmed KIA.

The 8 Fort Wainwright soldiers (KIA between Oct08 and Feb09) names and pictures cast a dark shadow on a medic's heart. What was done? What wasn't done? What should have been done? What shouldn't have been? Would my being there have made any difference at all? For every soldier lost, how many were injured? What kind of condition are they in now? How could I have helped? Would I have been able to care for any of them? Are they better off without me there?

I've been asked before if I ever feel bitter towards the Army for being medboarded without a proper diagnosis and without a whole lot of effort to determine what was wrong or other ways to fix it or even just to find some way to retain me. I usually say no. I loved the Army. It's hard to be bitter towards the things you love. But lately I've found the bitterness is there. Yeah, you could say on some levels I was screwed over (or even screwed over completely), but I'm not bitter for myself. When I look at this list. When the questioning begins. When the pain of being cut off from the people I consider family carries to the forefront. The bitterness is here. I could be there with them and helping right now. Maybe I wouldn't be. Maybe I'd just be sitting on a FOB twiddling my thumbs and complaining about how useless the deployment's been. But because I haven't been there. Because I'm not there right now, how am I supposed to know that for sure? How can I calm those nagging thoughts when there's no way of knowing if there's really been a reason for things going the way they did or not? What reason was so much more important than being with my old unit that my body decided it didn't (and still doesn't) want to do what it had done before?

I've done what I can to make the most of being separated from the Army. Not every day has been productive. Not every day has been met with a positive attitude. And not every day has been spent in a state of gratitude for the good things in life. But when I hit a block in the road and find I've landed face first and want to do nothing more than cry and hide away from it all, I've picked myself back up, sometimes even taking a large hammer to the block. ^_^ I've made plans for the future actually caring what path I want to take long before I can reach it for the first time in my life. I've started school with a focus in psychology and have decided to work towards becoming a counselor for soldiers and veterans. If I can't be there to help my unit while they're deployed, I can help them later down the road in other ways. Some people can't figure out why I love my current job. Coming from being an Army medic and working towards going into counseling, how can a simple receptionist position (where advising someone that they should go to the ER if they are in severe pain or otherwise can be considered going outside of my scope of practice) that doesn't pay a whole lot and involve all kinds of drama (and bad attitudes from patients) at times be equivalent to a dream job? And I must ask in response, how can I not love being able to help soldiers, veterans, and their families in any way that I can? How can I be disappointed when I make someone's day better by greeting them with a smile, or offering to explain something to them that caused them frustration, or actually took the time to listen to their problem and help to calm them down so they can get it taken care of properly? Or by cracking a joke to make their mood a little lighter, or getting their message to the doc right away even when I don't have to because they are being given the run around by everyone else so they can be at ease knowing they're getting heard, or just being there so that they don't have to wait in a line when it hurts so much to stand from an injury sustained while serving their country? There are such wonderful moments when being any part of a medical facility that supports our Armed forces. I don't have to be the medic, tech, nurse or doc to be a part of making a difference in someone's life, even if it's only a brief moment. Maybe it's not the most glamorous or prestigious job. But if it can make up for not being with my unit, if it can help count towards not being there for the 8 soldiers on my list, I will accept the job with pride and be happy with whatever it is I do.

Jen

(For a complete DOD list of confirmed KIAs in Iraq and Afghanistan, visit http://icasualties.org/)

Mr. President,

We voted on change for the better. Not change just for the sake of change. Stop. Slow down. Breathe. Think a lot. Breathe again and think a little more. Don't rush the big things or they'll just fall apart. No man can change the world in one term. At least, not the good kind of change. Remember that.

Jen

My Life, My Own

When the guillotine falls upon my neck
May the face behind the executioner's mask
Be none other than my own.
When my heart is pierced by the sharpest blade
May the hand that wields the knife
With no regret be mine.
No other should have the power
To cause such pain and sorrow.
It is my right to choose
Any end as necessary
To begin life anew.
Let it be my choice
To accept new scars
So that I may be strong and grow.
May no other have that option
To decide my heart's path.
Let the tears that flow forth from my eyes
Be from my fears and doubts
And not those caused by another.
May no man have such strength against me.
I dare to face the world alone
Rather than be anchored to another's will.
I dare to walk with no hand to hold
Than to be subjected to another's ways.
I dare to say goodbye and not look back
Than to be beaten and broken time and time again.
When the world turns bright once more
May the smile that guides me forward
Be solely my own.

Jen

What Can You Do When You Care Too Much?

It's strange how we can care so much about something even though time and time again we know we shouldn't get so worked up about it. There are so many concepts and ideas at my disposal to play around with and figure out a solution to a puzzling question. How do you make yourself fall out of a love that you only recently realized had been there for a long time?

Well, let's start with the why of the love being there unnoticed/unacknowledged. Pulling out the good ol' (if not overused) Freud, it's possible the passion or desire of love/happiness in relation to the subject at hand was imprinted onto the Id (unconscious). Keeping my focus on my new found (to me, anyway) concept of love, we understand that the love is always there. This means that the Id is automatically set to be imprinted with love. Now, when the Conscious mind steps in and battles with denial of any such happiness, we block out that love that is already ingrained. Now, the Id will try to impact the Conscious through the Preconscious (the "inbetween" if you will). The conscious mind may be aware of what's going on with the Id. Tapping into the Preconscious, it may unlock a little clue that leads to that love that's there.

Now, this can be a long, drawn-out process. The Conscious mind can search through the Preconscious a little at a time. Here is where we can focus in on memories and data stored in the brain. If the Conscious mind focuses so strongly on the happy memories involving the love in question, a strong sense of want and desire (to have and keep the love) will develop. This can lead into a deep sense caring and worry (the urges to protect the love and the fear of losing it). Now if we assume these emotions get attached with the love/happiness that is already ingrained with the Id, then it is reasonable to assume that any interaction or lack thereof with the object of love in question will trigger not only the happiness, but the wanting, desire, caring, and worry as well.

So now with an understanding of why there can be so much trouble with no longer caring about something in which we love, we need to start thinking of ways to tone it down (or slowly rid yourself of it, if that should be the way of it).

Affirmations have been known to be a successful technique to those who believe and trust in them. What is fed to the Conscious gets stored in the Preconscious and eventually ingrained into the Id. Now, telling oneself over and over again, "I do not care about *insert chosen comment here*" may be enough. Depending upon the susceptibility of the Id to suggestion, this could be a very easy way to go about it. The problem, though, going back to Freud, is that the Id is instinct. Not just any instinct, but the pleasure factor. The Id wants something, then it wants something and that's just the way it is until it gets what it wants. Of course, the functions of the Conscious and Preconscious play a part in how we act on the desires of the Id. If our Id says we want to pet the fluffy bunny, but we've been conditioned to fear the bunny, does the Id still really want to pet the fluffiness? Or has the memories stored in the Preconscious that tell the Conscious to fear the bunny affect the natural desire of the Id?

What do we do then? Can the affirmations really work to control the severity of caring ingrained in the Id? Or is it merely a way of toying with the Preconscious to affect what we focus on more? Does this mean that no matter what or how strongly we can manage to consciously affect the Preconscious, the Id will eventually make Preconscious bring up the hidden emotions and desires again? Will we have to resort to tough, more focused, and more disciplined means to force the Id to change? Can it even be done? If one thing can be imprinted into the Id, surely another can too. Is it possible, then, to have two opposing desires ingrained in the Id to cancel out on the Preconscious and Conscious levels?

Or maybe I should just get some sleep and let my levels of consciousness do their own thing?

Jen

The Results of An Overacitve Imagination

Sometimes I really hate my negative thinking. Especially knowing that once thoughts stray into a negative train of thought, I'll always have that negative association with a thing. Sometimes it's good and healthy. What better of a way to avoid getting one's hopes up too high than to fill one's mind with doubts? If you do get your hopes up high just to be disappointed, that negative thinking can keep you level to avoid it hurting as bad as it could. Maybe it acts like a distraction from the real blow.

This all seems to tie into that new concept of love I've been playing with. The mind can be so focused on the good and happy that the negative all gets put aside and the love is strong. Not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but what if the negative thoughts are the mind's way of trying to warn you that loving a particular person or thing is not healthy for you? What if you aren't supposed to be feeling happy?

When you get stuck in a push and pull with another person, there's plenty of room for doubts and happy moments. What's worse is when the doubts are there and you can't explain them. They're just something that bugs you. At some point down the road, the negative thinking kicks in like it usually does, only it takes a direction you didn't think before (or didn't let yourself dwell on if you did). You try to push the thoughts away, but they just get more intense and hurtful. Eventually you try to shrug it off because you know it's just overthinking and simply thinking about something can't prove it, especially when the thoughts in question are the possible past actions of another person that remain unrecorded. There's no validation in thinking about possibilities that you can't verify.

Now when a thought really bugs you, you think about it a lot. Your mind will approach the subject at different angels at different times. You can pretty much be assured that eventually you will find an answer to what that first doubt was all about.

So in playing with the new perspective on love, negative thinking, and figuring out past doubts, I've made a conclusion. When you can't name a single promise that was ever kept. When you watch the person lie to others about something that you know full well is a lie. When you've found yourself disappointed time and time again. It doesn't matter if the negative thinking led to thoughts that are completely based solely upon your own negative imaginings. The bottom line is that the person in question can't be trusted. Doesn't matter how happy they can make you feel otherwise, if they can't be trusted, there cannot be any real love. Just momentary fleeting feelings of happiness from time to time, but not love worth even giving a name to. Now that's not to say that the person can be labeled as a liar and that you can't believe a thing they say or that they've ever lied to you. But it does mean that, on a personal level, you know that you will never know if what they say is true or not. Even they are true, the knowing that it is possible they are dishonest is enough to crush the love.

It's funny how it takes a couple years, some looking back, and letting the imagination run wild in all sorts of directions to figure out what that little red flag was way back when.

Jen

Treacherous

Secrets you Keep
To hide your other guilty pleasures.
Truths you deny
To conceal your deadly sins.
Your openness a mere ploy
To gain control of others
And fulfill your dirty desires.
Your priorities are all in order
And she is at the bottom of the list.
Such a sad sweet fool
To fall for you.
Such a naive girl
To give in to your whims.
She is the last of your concerns,
A broken doll to be tossed aside.
There she sits faithfully upon your shelf,
While off you go to trick another.
Such a pathetic child
To not let go.

Jen